You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
This probably isn’t good
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Current mood: Potato
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
going to the ER y’all need anything
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.